Defining motherhood

"How's motherhood treating you?" That's what I've been asked A LOT lately. And my answer to date has been "BACKBREAKING EXHAUSTING"!

HONESTLY! My whole body aches. I ache in places I never thought could hurt. Like for instance, the heels (the balls) of my feet - from propping them up in nursing position. Then there's the 'heels' of my palms - from God-only-knows-what. Oh and did I mention the two fingers on my left hand? Apparently, that one is from making sure my baby doesn't suffocate while nursing (go figure).

Motherhood is about THE GIVING OF SELF. All I have to do is hear her cry and I come running. So much so that I wouldn't be surprised if I hear her crying in public and start unbuttoning my top!

I can function on minimal sleep now or spastic sleep time. Everyone advises me to sleep while baby naps in the day time BUT hey, I need some me time too! I need entertainment too even if it's just FB. Even if it's just reading the newspapers! Even if I end up spending the whole solid 2 hours of surfing ridiculous things that pop into my head like "Why does my baby fart so much?" and "How do I know my baby loves me?". Absolutely necessary to prove to self that I still have some say in how I run my life (YA RIGHT!)

Because ironic as it seems, a baby can really just march into your life and simply take over your life! She can determine when you sleep, eat, heck even when you poop! Sometimes, when I force myself to stay awake too long in the day, baby knows it and decides mama must get some shut eye. So, she whines and cries, etc until I take her in my arms in sleeping position beside her and pretend that I am asleep as I rock her to sleep. Guess what happens. I rock myself to sleep too!

At the end of the day (i.e. around 6pm), she's the clean Princess and I'm a bloody, stinky mess! Because she's had her bath, her feed and her nap; all the while stretching and neighing like a little horse in her sleep (me thinks that's another one of her tactics to keep me near) while I stay on guard watching over her; bloodshot and exhausted cos I can't take a shower when she threatens to wake up now can I?

And don't even get me started on my romance/sex life. LOL. A baby just slips into the husband-wife relationship and decides to call the shots. I believe it's called the THIRD PARTY INVASION.

It's funny how she takes control and ownership of my time without doing much to hatch a plan. At the same time, it's also funny how the most basic things she does can put a smile on my face and make me happy. For instance, a burp makes me relief cos I know she won't spit up on me. A massive massacre of a poop makes me rejoice cos I know it signals bedtime. Seeing her get angry red blisters and nappy rash makes me worried so much so that I would willingly do anything, give anything if it means the rash would disappear immediately. And then I would determinedly apply nappy rash cream at every diaper change only to have her poop all over her little bum again immediately after applying the cream.

What made me very happy today was to see that the nappy rash had cleared. Gone away. Disappeared. My 'hardwork' and persistence had paid off! *Pat on the back* And on top of that, she drank 2 oz of milk; bottle fed today (she refuses bottle feeds up to now)! Oh bliss. God is listening!

My heart also expands in the mornings or afternoons (heck, whatever time of the day we decide to wake up) when she gives me that big toothless smile which she seemed to have reserved all night long just for me. ahhhhhhhhhh............

If it feels real, then it must be real, right? And so, this MUST be motherhood, right? Wake up and smell the poop Princess Running Water :)

???

It's been so long now that I now stare blankly at this 'new post' page. And my blog stares back at me like 2 strangers. The prob is; ideas come bounding on what to write in my blog at something like 3.30am (after baby has been put to sleep) but then I debate on whether I should log on and blog at that God awful time or if I should put it off till morning. As usual, the latter wins hands down. And as usual, the bright idea disappears by the next time I log into my blog account!

Oh I miss blogging. I miss the flow of ideas. I miss just letting be and letting go.

Why did I bother writing this? Well, in the hope that it will bring back memories on 'how to blog' ideas onto e-screen. In the hope that after this I will have more? Does it work? Hmmm...beats me. I think in order to have ideas flowing, we gotta have lots of time. Free time to waste and not have a baby napping by my side who is such a light sleeper and keeps stretching and making noises in her sleep!

Who the hell coined the phrase 'sleeping like a baby'? Did he/she ever watch a baby sleep? Babies don't ever sleep soundly! Heck, it should be 'Sleeping like a teenager'!

My Birth Story

It was 2 am - the last time I woke up for one of those 2 hourly urine sessions during my state of pregnancy. And then I went back to sleep.

It was 4 am - when I was dreaming that I was mopping my parents' house. It's a big single storey bungalow and I had just finished the front living room and was commencing on the back part of the house - the dining room.

But that was just a dream. Back to reality - I felt water gushing out of me. And it was strange because although I used to wake up 2 hourly to empty my bladder; I had NEVER wet the bed before. I knew something was off. I went to the toilet, sat on the commode and horror of horrors, there was blood. That really freaked me out cos from what I heard, there should not be blood if your water bag bursts. I was so very afraid that it was a miscarriage. Till this day I don't know how I would handle it if it was. I mean to carry your baby for 9 months and have a miscarriage? How can life possibly be normal ever again after that?

But I was calm. I knew God wouldn't do that to me. Not again after He had taken care of this baby so well through thick and thin. Oh yes, hurdles we certainly had a few. But with God's grace, overcome them all we did.

So I brushed my teeth and washed my face before waking up my husband saying, "Yang...I think it's time". To which hubby dearest in his groggy state of sleep replied, "Time for what?" :) =TIME FOR THE BABY=

That sure got him up and awake!

I waited for him to brush his teeth and wash his face and then we went to the dining room to have breakfast. Breakfast was Milo and 2 slices of bread. Then we calmly talked about when we should go to the hospital and decided to wait as it was only about 5 am and I wasn't in any pain. It was only then that I decided to wake my grandmother who in turn woke my mum who woke my dad up. Then hubby and I returned to the room, he decided to take a shower while I surfed the Internet looking for info on whether there is any blood if one's water bag bursts.

It was at 6 am that we decided to head for the hospital. Twas a lovely night with a full moon peeking out from amidst the clouds. And I was very calm, that much I remember.

When we got to the hospital, the usually bustling hospital was eerily silent and all the counters were closed. My husband and I made small talk as he wheeled me to the Emergency section in the hospital.

I was taken to the Maternity ward and upon checking, was told that I was already having contractions and my cervix was 5 cm dilated! It was amazing cos I did not know that I was having any contractions and to be 5 cm dilated without any pain....WOWZER!

Then hubby went to settle the admission and I was taken straight to LABOUR ROOM! ARRGH! Suddenly, everything was happening too fast, whirling out of control! Am I having the baby NOW???? But....but I'm not ready!!!

Thankfully, there was a god-sent nurse whose shift was ending but who was kind enough to console me by saying a prayer for baby and me. Best thing is she said I was COOL because God's work was already in me as I was hardly having any pain at 5 cm dilation! See? Even the nurse thinks I am one cool mama! :))

The good doctor came at about 8 ++ am to see me and decided to fully burst the water bag. It was then that the contractions ran havoc!!!!!! Unbearably HAVOC! He left and returned at about 10 am to begin the actual process of delivery. I was in so much pain that they gave me an injection which made me drowsy. BAD IDEA because I was so sleepy that I didn't/ couldn't push anymore. However, with strict prodding from a grumpy nurse and the doctor, push I did and baby Darla Anne Teh Dass was born at 10.39 am on 24 Sept 2010.

Birth weight: 2.7 kg (5.95 lbs)

Body length : 49 cm

Head circumference : 34 cm

Gynaecologist: Dr Jeevaretanam

Paediatrician: Dr Kannusamy

Hospital: Pantai Hospital, Klang

Mummy was warded on the 1st flr, bed A12

Thank you God for giving me the strength to be the vessel that brought your holy and anointed child into this world. Thank you God for giving me signs of your presence like the beautiful sunrise that I witnessed from the window in the labour room and for the presence of your angel; nurse Susan in my time of trial. Thank you God for my husband by my side, pressing me onward, holding my hand and empathising with me. Thank you God for the good and experienced team of nurses and doctors who were there to catch my baby as she made her grand entrance. Thank you God for family waiting outside of the labour room. Thank you for the labour process which was quick and painless in the first half. Most importantly, thank you God for my beautiful, precious little baby girl.

Baby's first few hours on Planet Earth.

My little angel is having her beauty sleep.


Remember to smile always Darla Anne!


We did it baby! We worked together and helped each other out! What a great team we make!

Beware: Elephant feet alert!

The terribly swollen aching elephant feet during the last weeks of my pregnancy.

The ordinary feet that I miss so very much! It's nice to see all the familiar bluish veins once again!

I'm Addicted to Supper!!!!!!!

I AM THE HUNGRY MONSTER!

I'm hungry every 2-3 hours!

I'm addicted to daily suppers> nasi lemak, roti pisang, loh bak, hokkien char, anything also can, bring it on, PLEASE!

In the beginning, life wasn't like that. Simply because I put a restraint on myself. Firstly, I didn't want to put on too much weight (cos I've been struggling with weight issues for as long as I can remember). Plus, I live in an apartment, so it's too much trouble to go down the flight of stairs, drive out the guard house (with access card, mind you) just to get food. So, I'll just deal with the hunger pangs, tell myself that it'll be a couple of hours til breakfast, try to fall asleep and ignore the tummy groaning.

It all started when the Doctor gave me the green light. The good Doctor was concerned cos I wasn't putting on weight and baby was a tad underweight as well. And boy, did that green light awaken the HUNGRY MONSTER in me! Especially since my darling hubby obliged in feeding me at late nights/ early mornings!

And now, I'm a hopeless supper junkie. So much so that I'd wake up with a headache (or migraine) in the middle of the night if I'm hungry...

Hunny, I miss you. You are my food provider! My tum~tum satisfier. Where for art thou, my love?

The Hopes And Fears Of All The Years; Are Met In Thee Tonight

According to the pregnancy ticker, it'll only be 5 weeks and 4 days til baby's arrival. According to my gynae, it'll be no more than 2 weeks time cos baby has to be delivered via c-section. I think this clash of theory is what keeps me awake at nights and in the wee hours of mornings because either way (i.e. normal or c-section), I am petrified!

Don't get me wrong. I mean, I can't wait to hold baby in my arms but normal delivery is definitely going to be painful. Caesarean - I've kinda done it before but who says it's not painful? Just the thought of operating knives cutting through your 7 layers of skin and then doctor reaching IN ME to bring baby out is like a flash from a horror show!

So, tell me. How exactly does one sleep peacefully in moments like these?

Yet at the same time, a baby is all my hubby and I have been yearning for over the last couple of years to close the void in our 'family' life. And we have been so ecstatic, so glad to be finally blessed with the chance of having our own little family throughout the whole pregnancy - except how does one remain optimistic when in fear? At times I feel like screaming bloody murder because as much as we both desired this pregnancy, why do I have to be the one who has to go through the excruciating terror and pain of childbirth? How is that fair in this so called 'equal' world? At times like these, it seemed that the feminist revolution was merely a big hogwash. End of the day, I believe there isn't such a thing as equal status among men and women. Honestly, give me some loving and pampering any time of the day, smoochie.

But I digress. I suppose these feelings are nothing new and I guess every new mom has felt it as she inches closer to her delivery date, no?

Baby, just so you know>>>Your mum ain't as tough as she always thought she was! Nevertheless my child, I pray that you receive the gifts of faith, hope and love. I wish for you that you are compassionate to the less fortunate, that you are warm, understanding, helpful, diplomatic. But above all, I pray that you carry in you huge quantities of humility and use this humility whenever you come in contact with humanity.

It will only be a matter of time before you join your daddy and me here and begin your lifelong education as a human being.

Eagerly awaiting your arrival,

Mom & Dad.

Pregnancy ticker....

We're all set for your arrival Princess! Your mom, dad and even your great-grandma went on a shopping spree for you yesterday. This is just one of the many adorable baby things waiting for you.

Things I miss in pregnancy:

1. Coffee

2. Kopi Peng Malaysian style

3. Sleeping on my tummy

4. Sex

5. Dressing up even if it's just in my old clothes

6. Wearing jeans!

7. Swimming

8. Holidays!

9. Pineapple and papaya

10. My pre-pregnancy body

11. Going for my regular facials, pedicure, eye-lash treatments

12. Stilettos

13. My energy!

14. Not sweating all the time!

Who's to be blamed? You tell me la!

Tip: All fingers point to this dastardly so-called School Principal of Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan Bukit Selambau, Kedah; Cikgu Puan Hajjah Siti.

In case you haven't heard the story yet, this so-called Principal made racial remarks in 'her' school telling off some students who were eating during the Muslim fasting month (outside the canteen) to be sensitive to the Muslim students or return to their country of origin -i.e. China / India. These people were born here. Their homeland IS Malaysia. She shouldn't be a Cikgu, much less a Principal!

This remark couldn't be made at a worst off time as Malaysia is about to celebrate her 53rd Independence Day in approximately a week's time. Indeed, it was untimely to stir up so much racial feelings as so much has been done this year to help implement the Prime Minister's vision of a 1 Malaysia concept - to which even a day was declared public holiday on 16 Sept, starting this year to recognise the birth of Malaysia and hence, a historical first time ever public holiday in lieu of Malaysia Day.

I, for one, surely was looking forward to the whole 1 Malaysia concept simply for the fact that I love my country. I truly do look forward to the day when the 'race' box will be eliminated from all official and unofficial forms which require applicants' particulars. One thing I can look up to Indonesia for is their combined identity where mostly all of them declare themselves as 'Indonesians' and truly communicate in the national language.

Sad (and shame) to say though, it seems that 1 Malaysia will remain a vision for a much longer time to come.

In conclusion, should action be taken against Namewee? I bet if it did, Malaysia would indeed run havoc. Pray tell, what action is to be taken against this Cikgu Puan Hajjah Siti for threatening the peace and harmony as well as race relations in the country? Isn't this a befitting case for ISA?

'THE' weekend getaway - Pantai Morib, Pantai Bagan Lalang & Pantai Kelanang

Oh, I just HAD to do a write up on my wonderful, relaxing, chill-lax weekend getaway. It was the perfect escape from the usual, deep in the countryside and away from civilisation. Am grateful indeed that I have such a tolerant husband who really did try (and succeeded) in accommodating my every need. Ahhhhhh, bliss!

What with a little over a month left til our little newcomer makes her appearance in our lives, we decided to use the past weekend to our advantage and spend a one night away from the usual surroundings. So we took a drive headed towards Morib but seeing how Morib was no longer beach friendly, we asked around and ended up in Bagan Lalang. Oh, it really was a slice of heaven there. The beach was small-ish but suffice for what I needed - plus I managed to capture some pictures of the sunset. We got there J-I-T (Just In Time) for the sunset!!!

We had such a good sleep-in that night thanks to the air-conditioning which was superbly fixed to its minimum at 16 degree celcius - delicious! There was nothing on the tele so there was no reason to stay up late. All we did was talk about life and what we expect it to be, or rather, how we would handle it when baby made her debut. Then we cuddled throughout the night and set the alarm for 6.30 a.m. so that we could go for a nice, lazy stroll on the beach. However, at 6.30 a.m, we woke up to pitch darkness outdoors and it was impossible to even consider a walk on the beach! So, back to sleep it was for another hour before we arouse for breakfast. After breakfast, there was a drizzle, so still no walk on the beach, but more 'us' time in the deliciously, crisp air-cond room (I actually used this time to mark some writing papers!).

We finally dragged our lazy selves out of the room and drove to the beach. The tide was low so we waded pretty deep into the ocean - until a jelly fish literally bobbed pass my feet! Then we immediately turned around and walked back to shore and only then did we realise how DEEP we had waded in!

This is how deep we waded in...















One of the many tiny crabs scurrying across the shore...

Some strange form of sea life...

Okay now, to cut a long story short, I just had a really great time that weekend, just chill-laxing the kinks out of my pretty 'stressed-all-the-time' body. On the drive back, we had an awesome lunch at a local Chinese restaurant - steamed white rice with sizzling tofu (and lots of ingredients), sweet & sour 'ultra-fresh' fish and yummylicious pork ribs. I wish I had a snapshot of the food to post to the blog and salivate over. Oh well, too bad.... Well, we also made a couple of stops along the way to buy some recently plucked durians and rambutans which came directly from the fruit orchards behind the roadside stalls. Sadly, no photos of that, too. But, I have a feeling that I'll go back for more...

But I will not just leave you with words (I can do much better than that!) I'll leave you with two more pictures to rejuvenate your tired eyes and minds *wink*


This is a view of Pantai Kelanang...could it be paradise lost?



And here, is the final masterpiece for this blog entry>>>>>>>>>>drum roll............WATER LILIES!



Oh, and baby, here's proof that you really did come along on this AWESOME weekend holiday with your Mammi and Pappi! hehe....


Peace. OUT! :)

What do you do at 3.00 a.m.?

So, tell me hmmmmm.....what do you do when you find yourself bright-eyed and ready to start the day at 3.00 a.m. (and you're not one to plop yourself in front of the TV and let it turn your brain to mush)?

Well, if you're anything like me, then, hmmmm, I went to the toilet! I considered brushing my teeth but decided not to just in case I went back to sleep and had to take the trouble of brushing it all over again when I re-wake up at 7.00 a.m. (it's a Sunday, mind you). So, like all normal people, I took a pee (and then some) LOL (info overload)!

Then, I decided that I wanted hot soup! So, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as I was, I popped a packet of instant noodles (chicken soup flavour) into the ever faithful Sanyo microwave, worked the thing for 4 mins and got out the laptop. Once it was done, I added a dollop of Marmite (or Vegemite to some) into the hot soup! Voila, instant yummylicious soup I tell ya! To hit two birds with one stone, I paid some bills online at 3.45 a.m., too.

Now, for the big question>>>>>>>>SHOULD I WORK ON SOME WORK OR GO BACK TO BED ??????????

P/S: Can anyone enlighten me why is it that I can never wake up on a work day but am always up and awake on a non-working day?

PrincessRunningWater: The BIG Question has been answered. I visited other blogs and at 5.40 a.m. decided, "To hell with work. I'm going back to zzzzzzzzz"

Musings to Princess Tiger Lily

A girl is graceful and pretty

A girl is all things nice.

A girl is sweet and gentle.

A girl is kind and witty.

A girl is sugar and spice-

A girl is someone with emotions.

She will be there when I need cheering,

She will be compassionate and loving.

To my little Tigress Princess,

I am choked with emotions just thinking of you as my baby. You are going to be my first-born. My eldest child. And my first-born is going to be a girl - a daughter; just as I, a daughter am the first-born, so too shall you be.

Cuddles from your Mum.

I have a dream

a child to hold

10 little fingers -

and 10 little toes

with dribble on her chin

and wrinkles on her face.

I have a dream

a child to learn

with knowledge to impart

and values to instil.

A sweet baby doll

with a punch and a gurgle

a tiny Tigress Princess

with a laugh and a growl.

My, my, my -

My little baby girl,

What are you doing now

As you tumble and toss in me?

My, my, my -

My little mini-me,

Are you thinking of your mummy,

like I'm thinking of you, too?

I just had to post this!!

Random (poetry) during a so-called 'methodology and pedagogy training session' (i.e. just another name used by some publisher trying to sell language books).

HELP! The Attack of a Group Killer!!!!!

As I sit down in a seminar,

And waste my precious time,

I lose precious seconds of my life,

And my hair is turning white!

As I sit and listen to some geezer

Promoting a stupid book,

My mind slowly deteriorates

And my bum is turning numb!

Hey, Mister Smart guy,

Can you cut your story short?

Can you get to the chase

And remove all the gunk?

Hey, Mister 'emmmmm' guy,

You're droning on and on!

Can't you see you're putting us to sleep,

After lunch and in a nice, cool place?

Yoohoo, Mister Speaker,

What do you think is running through our minds?

Don't you see the boredom evident-

As we gaze blankly at your face?

Come on already Mister Mister!

Why are you trying so hard to kill us?

It's like you're holding a monologue,

And we're all well-behaved, attentive dogs!

Wow! After a 5 year hiatus!!!!

I've been working for about 2 hours on this resurrected blog. Just trying to figure out the login ID and Password took some centuries! And that's just for the e-mail account I was using back when I started this blog in 2005! *PHEW*

Here are some major changes back from the past:

1) Hey. Whaddaya know? The Chief and I got married! Chief and Princess Running Water (a.k.a. Mr and Mrs Chief now) got married in a Catholic church (and that was 2 years back!)

2) After a couple of HUGE disappointments, we're finally preggers! EDD: 16 Oct 2010. Expecting a lil' Tigress Princess, so we're told :)

3) We live on our own in an apartment of our very own approx. 20 mins drive from both family homes.

4) I drive my dream car that can zap in and out (a MyVi; and Chief just got a Kembara 2 days ago). Yup, Perodua fans we both are :)

5) I completed my Diploma in Montessori Method of Education; so I can qualify to open my own Kindy/ Childcare if and when the whim strikes me now (I'm well-equipped with a back-up plan). To hell with Banking now! WOOHOO!

6) I've been in the same job for the past 1 year and 6 months (my second longest permanent job to date) and I'm currently doing a Certificate in iCELT (an equivalent of ESOL).

So, there. Can't think of more at 12:30 am. Prolly the best thing for this pregnant mommy to do is to hit the pillow, eh?

Definition of My Days

Here goes some ramblings....

What’s to say about anything? Sometimes I feel like im 16 again and im not sure who I am as if my body is not mine but my mind is mine. And sometimes my heart too doesn’t feel like it is mine. Hah!

Relationships, work dramas… story of our lives… what’s to say I ask you? 1 day you're up there floating in the rltnshp, next mo, you get ur hot air balloon burst by an arrow shot off by some unknown sharpshooter out there to get at ya! Same goes with work. One day I think hey, I love it here, I can see myself for years here, doing the same thing and that perhaps this is more family than it gets. We spend 9 hours here, and in fact we're in closer 'physical presence' contact with them colleagues than we are with our own kin and kind! How many hours do we actually spend sitting close by our family members while at home? On our days off, we could be in our rooms (alone), wired to the net (alone), doing our chores (alone) or heavens out of the house (with our friends)! Heck, we sure need a social life right? Then the next mo I can feel ostracized by them very colleagues I'm in such close contact with but not really blame them cos I’m quite the serious loner as I’ve been all my uni days so can’t blame em for not quite knowing what to say to me also right?

But hey, at least right here and now, I do not think life sux anymore. I’m actually kinda soaking in the sucky feeling… inhaling it, feeling it perpetrate rite into my bones and evaporate into my blood BUT…from an outsider’s point of view. That's good ain't it?

I hate Tuesdays. Does anyone know just how much I hate Tuesdays? Mondays are ok cos it’s the 1st day of work after the weekend and love it or loathe it, we all need to work for our bread and butter right? Nowadays it's more like for our house loan, car loan, education loan, shopping, food, yadda,yadda..So Monday, we wake up, we get ready and we go to work and there’s A LOT of work normally so it goes by real fast. Then comes Tues, and hey, Mon’s gone so u gotta crawl thru Tues. Wednesday is pretty cool cos it marks MIDWEEK [i.e:1 more day to Fri]. I LOVE Fridays. Did I tell you I love Fridays? But Thurs, there’s another lousy day in a week! It’s like the anti-climax. Like here’s all that orgasm for Wednesday BCOS of Friday…BUT WAIT, there’s one more day to it! *SIGHHHH* so there’s the anti climatic Thursday for ya. And then finally its Friday [FINALLY!!!]

Hehehe…. so that’s the ups and down I go thru in my work week. Sat is real cool cos Sat is MY day! I try to spend the whole of Sat pampering myself simply cos it screams of MMMEEEEEEEEEE time My Sat starts with me waking at about 7.30/8am to practice on the organ, class is from 10 – 10.30am. Then take a lazy stroll alone in a supermarket/bookstore, whatever. Or go home, have lunch and laze by the TV, do my nails, get a facial once a month, nap, watch a VCD with my lil’ bro, you get the idea…..

And Sunday is usually family time unless Chief is off, then it’s a 50-50 between Chief and family.

So there’s my life in a nutshell. Anyone itching to analysis me?

Happy Birthday baby girl....

Someone very close to my heart turned 18 today. Someone whom I grew up with and just recently, has decided to spread her wings and fly. It's strange to feel these emotions so strong for someone who I spend quite a lot of time arguing with. *Sigh* I guess this is 1/4 of what the 'empty nest' syndrome feels like for parents when their children start to spread their wings and test its strength.

It's funny how the only time we rush to get older is when we're in school. And then 7-8 years after school, during mamak sessions, we bring back the old "Remember how we used to .... " "Remember that girl/guy in tuition class.." "Remember that teacher we made her cry..." and of course it ends with *sigh* "Those were good times..." & "I wish I could go back to school days". I wish I could warn the current school batch to take 1 day at a time cos soon, b4 they know it, things would get so different. But just like us, they too wouldn't listen until it's too late.

Does God feel like that? Trying to advise us, warn us bcos he's wiser and knows better, but we refuse to take heed and instead thinks the advise is just to hinder us, restrict us?

Hell I miss school. I miss the times I had with this someone (who isn't a part of my school memories but a very big part of my past and of who I am). 'She' isn't dead. But here is one instance where if I could turn back time, I would do things differently. We were both growing. And the process made us grow apart.

I hope one day you will read this. I hope one day I will have the guts to ask you to read this. And I love u. And Happy 18th Birthday big gurl! May God Bless You with a strong conscience and the Holy Spirit to lead you onwards in all the paths and decisions you make.