Wanting to be somewhere other than where one actually is. This is the human condition, is it not?
Masalahnya, karier ku menemui ajal yang awal, boleh dikatakan satu tempoh 'glorious' yang 'premature' sekali. Malangnya. Malang sekali kerana di situ lah satu-satunya tempat di mana aku mencurah hati dan tenaga ku. Di situlah aku berasa sungguh selesa dan produktif sehingga sanggup ku berbakti sehingga ke hari persaraan ku. Malang sekali, aku tidak dialu-alukan dan perkhidmatan ku tidak diperlukan lagi.
Hence, the dilemma I am so rudely thrust into. To work or not to work. That is the question. It's tough not working when all I did was work one job after another for the past 6 years. The strange thing is I spent 4 of those years job hopping from one industry to another hoping to find a field that I was comfortable with. And the last 2 years was spent at a place that felt like home to me. I spent the first 4 years kicking off the companies I was hired into and the one that I felt belonged, ended up being the one that shirked me off.
Life is so unexpected. One day (strike that). One morning you're on the height of happiness. You have a newborn and it's your first day back at work. You're so happy to be back after almost 4 months of maternity related leave. Then by lunch break, the world as you know it comes crashing down at your feet.
I miss being in a classroom so much. But when I was given a 2nd chance, everything else was not right. It was like a case of right place, wrong time. I was exhausted and the monsters were driving me up the wall. So I opted out. I lasted a month. 1 month! I astound myself sometimes. I keep making new records all the time.
So now I am at home. Fun as it is, I get to spend ALL my time with my baby. It's really awesome. I am there for her EVERY moment. Her EVERY cry, EVERY chuckle. It's fantabulous I tell you.
But flip the coin and it's also strange. It's odd being home alone with your baby for when she sleeps, I feel so alone in this world. I feel redundant too sometimes for I am capable and well equipped to be working and being productive. Plus I miss my oh-so-familiar classroom settings. I miss being Teacher in charged of her chargers, using my Teacher voice and trying to make the class want to learn what I'm trying to teach. I miss trying to be creative and interesting. I miss setting exams and test papers which force them to study.
But being at work makes me miss my baby cos even if she cries, she'll be crying in MY arms. And I can't tell you how right that feels, but it does. Nothing else feels right. I want to baby my babies. Be there for them all the time. Every time. But I also want to be productive and make money with my life. I miss working for my money. I miss getting a salary deposited into my salary account at the end of the month. I miss having money to spend as I wish.
But then I'd feel guilty of not being a mommy. And I'd feel guilty of not cooking dinner for my husband. And I'd feel guilty for having a dirty house-i.e. the dusty floor, the un-ironed clothes, the unwashed dishes in the sink.
A friend once questioned: Why do women have to feel so damn guilty all the time? I feel for you babe. We feel guilty when we work (for neglecting home and family) then we feel guilty when we quit the work scene (for not making use of our skills and not making money which goes towards the home and family).
Life is a sad, twisted bitch ain't it. Just when you think you've attained some kind of earthly nirvana, it goes and scrambles all yer eggs for you and brings you back to ground zero. ZERO. That's how I feel inside right now. ZERO. Cos I've attained nothing. I've nothing to show for.
Ok, here goes nothing. I love HHHS - my home for the past 2 years! -the place I worked at when I carried my first successful pregnancy to full term. HHHS - you will ALWAYS have a place in my heart. :)